Monday, September 20, 2010

AWESOME One-Liners

Good mornin-- err.. afternoon folks. Slept in till rather late today, but will make up with it with an extra awesome post. I'll begin with 100 awesome one liners. Enjoy!

Also don't forget to check out my financial blog @

Top 100 Funniest One Liner Quotes

1 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
4 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

5 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

6 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

7 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

9 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10 If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

11 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
13 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

18 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

19 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20 Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

21 Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

22 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

23 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

24 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

25 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

26 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

27 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

28 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

29 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

30 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

31 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

32 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

33 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

34 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

35 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

36 I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

37 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

38 I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

39 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

40 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

41 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

42 The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

43 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

44 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

45 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

46 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

47 Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

48 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

49 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

50 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

51 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

52 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

53 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

54 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

55 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

56 It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

57 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

58 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

59 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

60 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

61 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

62 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

63 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

64 Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

65 When in doubt, mumble.

66 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

67 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

68 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

69 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

70 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

71 Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

72 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

73 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

74 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

75 I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

76 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

77 I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.

78 I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

79 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

80 There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

81 I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

82 You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

83 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

84 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
85 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

86 Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

87 Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

88 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

89 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

90 A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

91 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

92 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

93 If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

94 Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

95 If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

96 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

97 Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

98 Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

99 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

100 Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Thanks for all the positive comments, hope you try and visit this site at LEAST once everyday, where it will be updated with new and (always) AWESOME posts

Also I'll end it off with some really hot tennis players, quite possibly the best-looking female athletes in the world!

Hope you enjoyed reading!


Drackar said...

ahh, a fantastic sport.

razortek said...

cool!suppin bro :)
check both my blogs are interesting! ;)

ShredGuitar said...

Ah, very nice.

izmeer said...

LOL thanks

Chris said...

jokes and women? you basically covered everything I was gonna do today.

Ken Moon said...

Tennis players are probably top tier when it comes to women's sports. That and beach volleyball of course.

Skunkfunk said...

That was really funny :D
Check out my blog out sometime for some awesome shit

Lewis Candler said...

haha these were pretty awesome

Shane said...

Impressive post

OASO said...

this kept me entertained for some time. thank you for this.

TWaits said...

That was a great read "Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil." Pure awesome.

Splash87 said...

I lol'd hard at 2, 47, and 84.

The State of Human Intelligence said...

Great post!

Aristo said...

I laughed just even at the picture of that dog. Great stuff man!

Funny Cat Pictures! said...


Anonymous said...

lol this is so good!

Joshua said...

Notepad'd this for the collection, thanks boss :)

Structus Postumus said...

The sixth one-liner is unfortunately so true...

Slumph said...

oh wow =D

MVTM said...


hotfluffypankake said...

Hahahaha! They're all so true...

divx said...

fucking lold

Souf said...

Nice, imma use some of those lines!

loloriz0r said...


Movie Time said...

I'm diggin the dog picture.

Gopher Bandit said...

I love one liners, the dog picture, and hot ladies so...this post has EVERYTHING!

Cacti said...

You posted comedy...then you posted women. My day is done good night to you sir.

deviants0ul said...

Well done sir! Enjoying both your blogs!

Chip said...

Great facebook status updates, also love the pokemon facebook picture lol, looking forward to new posts :D

brendan said...

nice one liners and gratz u choose my favorite sport

Anonymous College Student said...

yes I really did enjoy the "reading"

darkmanx said...

lol good stuff man, i think I just became a tennis fan.

Defkon said...

nice jokes name. I like it

- Enfermo - said...

nice pictures!

hsn916 said...

Stealing some of these for ma facebook status haha

doingitwrong said...

#23 lmao the most legit... womens tennis... close your eyes when it's on and listen.

Bunny said...

Very amusing.

kieve said...

classics, and the tennis girls added a nice ending.

BLUERAD said...

Haha appreciate all the comments everyone, glad your liking it. Also @doingitwrong

Good point... The melodious tunes are now flowing in my brain, thanks!

g15 said...

I love Tenis! :p

BLUERAD said...

Also @ Kieve

I always provide happy endings ;)

free of charge

Nick said...

Funny stuff! Keep up the jokes, followed you! :)

Sethisto said...

I'd actually use some of these.

Claire J. said...


Gansita said...

LOL, this is the best one "43 God must love stupid people. He made SO many." You made my day! I like your blog, thanks for making me laugh. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous College Student said...

Lol, I actually had some spare time so I came BACK to "read" again. I'm looking forward to your next batch of pictures ;)

MagerFromTha619 said...

Nice quotes, chicks were nice as well..

Biff Tanner said...

That's awesome

fat daddy said...


Andrew H said...

hooly, didn't expect that at the end, but appreciated :)

Anonymous said...

Some really good quotes here and some great female tennis players.

kmartsmartsuperstar said...

Hahaha these are awesome! I love the 'second mouse gets the cheese'. Haha!! I'm gonna have to steal one or two.

Dan Smelter said...

Haha nice post. Very good liners. Nice pics too :)