Thursday, November 4, 2010

Funny Canadian Facts

Hey everyone, i'm not dead, I just realized I had a huge test later this evening which I just found out under 24 hours ago.  The subject is on Poetry... And honestly I have not written a test on poetry in nearly a decade, so this is turning out to be quite terrible.

I have work in a few hours, so i'm going to keep this post short and funny.  Haven't had a chance to answer comments, but will do so when I get back home later.  Thanks for the support, I really hope google crawls my website soon and sees that I deleted literally hundreds of hot girl pictures =(  If thats not enough, I don't know what is....

ANYWAYS, please check out my PRINCIPLES OF POWER BLOG if you want some interesting stuff to read, the links are above like always.

There are a lot more awesome posts coming up in the future, keep tuned, but for now, i'm going to be trying to study a lot of this tedious poetry and literary terms :(



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TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA:

1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on. 
5. Weed.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA:

1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN:

1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA: 
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. In spring, you can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
6. In summer, you can spend time watching trucks and cars driving to Sask. or Ont.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO:

1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC:

1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK:

1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA:

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
4. Your abandoned undersea coal mines now make US border crossings secret, easy and hassle-free.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND:

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND:

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding. 


The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian cars won't start.
· Canadians drive with the windows down.

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes.
· Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying, "Cold, eh?"
· Vancouver Canucks finally beat the Chicago Black Hawks in the playoffs.

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.




JOKE # 1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona
sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a
Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from
the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The
bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.


The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.'
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives
him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't
you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

CANADIAN JOKE #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey
Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?'

'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.

'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'

CANADIAN JOKE #3

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon
and asked, 'Is there anything you can do to me
that would make me into a Newfie?'

'Sure it's easy.' replied the neurosurgeon. 'All I have to do is cut
out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie..'

He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.
However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead
of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut
out 2/3 of the patient's brain.

He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the
patient's bed as the patient recovered from the
anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon
said to him 'I'm terribly sorry, but there was a
ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I
accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.'

The patient replied 'Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?' 

39 comments:

Monster Madness said...

Lol, I should visit Canada some day ^^

Zoy said...

Thanks for the laugh! I know these are all light-hearted jokes, but you should go visit Canada if you get a chance. Very friendly people, with beautiful scenery, and lots of places to have fun.

Mr.Brightside said...

Cool post, man!
:)

Radioactive said...

Haha the Quebec facts are my favourite

DJ Name Brands said...

love the jokes, keep em coming :)

lulz for me said...

Thanks for your input!

Kichuwa said...

Wow

The Greater Spartan said...

OH nice post mate will use that newly acquired information :D

Ishu said...

DAMN, so much detailed info! I want to live in Alberta!!!!!

Tony said...

lol that was an amusing post. its a shame ive not been to Canada yet, hey thanks for given me some jokes for when i get there lol

Lemmiwinks said...

I like what you did with your blog.
Followin !

Drackar said...

You know, that's speaking far to highly of those damn frenchies.

Willow said...

lol I wanna live in Canadia!

The Informant said...

Very factual and entertaining.

I've always wanted to head over to Vancouver to visit.

Gansita said...

hehe, you gave a lot of options! thanks, man. You solved my "Future" issues, lol

Kartoffeln said...

Hilarious, more now that my cousin is going to be living in Canada!

The Drug Connoisseur said...

Funny stuff. I would pick British Colombia to live in because of fact #5

Mr.Brightside said...

interesting post.
supporting!

richie said...

haha, all i know about canada I learned from south park...

Thanks for the info, it looks like a pretty sweet country!

hippilazma said...

canada most useless country ever

Nostalgist said...

beautiful scenery.. i love canada!

anon1337 said...

Those are some awesome facts, some are hillarious. Great jokes too.

Rorschach Redemption said...

Manitoba here I come!

Joke #2...nice. Lol.

MRanthrope said...

lol, Good ol' CANADA. I really respect and appreciate you guys. You've brought Bret Hart and Jim Carrey into my life...so I'm forever thankful!

Jim said...

Lol. I once convinced a girl I was born in New Brunswick. Did not help me with her in the long run though...

Mez said...

yay canada!

The Crimson King said...

good post A.

Hitchcock said...

Vancouver freaking rocks! Always love to visit it

Green_Magix said...

Almost makes me want to move to Canadia mate!

Sneak said...

i love canadians.. nice jokes.

ArchiePattersons said...

Canadians really are the funniest, I don't think anyone can out-drink a Canadian!

T.dot said...

yeah canada! ab

Come At Me Bro said...

This is sweet!

maxdangerous said...

#1 Reason to live in canada: Trailer Park Boys

Phil McKracken said...

cool post! :)

El Trombone said...

Canada is really funny.

1GN15 said...

Sounds like a great place! lol

Nominator said...

lol good facts
get to studyin!

Erroneous Maximus said...

Hah, you always get me to read the whole post somehow. Loved this one, especially the reasons to live in each province.

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